Bert the Bastard Cat From Hell!
In truth this is a sorry tale.
Wickedness is off the scale.
About a foul and wanton creature,
A wretch with no redeeming features.
The woeful story I must tell,
Is Bert the Bastard Cat from Hell!
From the moment he was born,
It was obvious he was Satan’s spawn.
Sent from hell on devil’s commission,
A cat with only one life’s mission.
A beast full of hateful, spiteful, intent,
A vicious , malicious, malcontent.
Truly under The Devil’s spell,
Bert the Bastard Cat from Hell!
Whose owners on a fateful date,
Found him waiting at their gate?
Couldn’t make him go away,
So called him Bert and let him stay.
How could they know ?
How could they tell?
Bert was the Bastard Cat from Hell!
Who on first being introduced,
With happy purrs will you seduce?
Rolls on his back invites you to play,
Rips your hand to shreds when it comes his way.
Psycho-catically anti-personnel,
Bert the Bastard Cat from Hell!
Whose idea of a welcome present,
Is never going to be something pleasant?
A dead mouse dropped onto the floor
Evisceration with one paw!
Mouse’s guts arranged like show and tell,
Bert the Bastard Cat from Hell!
Who makes other pets quake in total fear?
Who made the kid’s hamster disappear?
Or the budgie found below its cage,
Ripped to shreds in feline rage?
Empty goldfish bowl as well,
Bert the Bastard Cat from Hell!
In the garden who has a crap,
Leaves a foetid, faecal booby trap?
Well camouflaged this stinking turd,
To your foot is soon transferred.
Back in the house it’s “what’s that smell”
Bert the Bastard Cat from Hell!
The Neighbour’s cat is getting thinner,
Who is it having extra dinner?
Catflap raid on the house next door,
Quick scrap - red in tooth and claw.
Eats their cat’s supper and the dog’s as well,
Bert The Bastard Cat from Hell!
Who every night without fail,
Rips the silence with his banshee wail?
Leads a demonic symphony,
Crepuscular cacophony.
A caterwauling carousel?
Bert the Bastard Cat from Hell!
Whose owners swear and rue the day,
They ever took in this accursed stray?
Pray the nightmare will soon end,
Back to the underworld he’ll once more descend.
Blessed relief - no fond farewell
Bert the Bastard Cat from Hell!
