Ventriloquist Dummy

Hullo - nice to meet you. You might have seen me up on stage.

Sat on the lap of a total twat,  just trying to  earn a wage.

If you haven’t guessed by now, I am a ventriloquist’s dummy.

But here’s the fact - I’m trapped in an act, that’s not remotely funny.

He’s got all the looks of a flattened frog.  All the charisma of a turd.

Totally unable, to write a line that no one’s heard.

He really shouldn’t be on the stage. He’s show biz personality resistant.

Can’t tell a joke to save his life. Comic timing non-existent.

He’s a man with no charisma. No witty repartee.

His lame jokes and his tired lines simply embarrass me.

But as he’s the one that writes our act, I want it to be known,

The words that come out of my mouth are definitely not my own.

Our entire act is really just a load of tired one-liners,

Total shit  is how I’m sure  most  punters would define us.

Meanwhile I have to sit there, mouth flapping eyes-a- swivel.

Your eyes would swivel too mate, If you had to listen to this drivel!

We’re called Vincent and Daniel, two names dreamed up by this prat.

So its  VD on all the posters, but he’s too thick to notice that!

I’m dressed up in a dinner jacket, again his choice not mine

A monocle and a bow tie which he thinks look all refined.

He makes me talk with a  posh accent. Really Lah-di-dah.

Thinks people find that funny. No sign of that so far!

These upper class pretensions drive me around the bend,

Truth is we come from Portsmouth, and I mean the rougher end!

But instead I play  “Lord Daniel”,  everyones’ favourite “cheeky chappie”.

If only I could move my arms  I’d give him happy slappie!

And it doesn’t take  an eagle eye, as he spouts some half baked line,

Its plain to see it’s not coming from me,  his lips moving all the time!

The only vent act in England that cannot throw his voice. 

Throw the bastard off the stage that would be my choice!

We play all the crappest venues in forgotten seaside towns.

Those who’ve seen our act won’t come again, so audiences are down

A summer of dodgy venues as grim as they could be

Be in no doubt were not in with a shout of making it on TV.

So if you come to see us  remember I’m not to blame

Its the bloke who writes this crap ,who needs to up his game.

And that’s my life in show biz. Our act a total farce

Someone else’s words are in my mouth. And their hand stuck up my arse!